


My Angel

by jaminsjiminsjams



Category: SPN, Supernatural
Genre: M/M, SPN - Freeform, Supernatural - Freeform, spn fanfic, spn fanfiction, supernatural fanfic - Freeform, supernatural fanfiction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-27 23:56:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16712494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaminsjiminsjams/pseuds/jaminsjiminsjams
Summary: Song: Jealous of the Angels





	My Angel

**Author's Note:**

> Song: Jealous of the Angels

Castiel’s heart lurches at the crying infant, and his eyebrows draw together as he cradles the baby in his arms, gently rocking back and forth. “Oh, I know, I know,” he whispers, his voice weak as he walks around the room, bouncing the baby lightly as he does. “I know it must hurt,” he murmurs, “your mother will be back soon, I’m sure…she didn’t leave you- it’s okay,” he closes his eyes, resting his head back against the wall. “It’ll be okay,” he whispers. Castiel casts a glance at the door, wondering if he should tell Dean or not. Would Dean stay over with him until she came back? Castiel swallows roughly, and bounces lightly as he walks, shushing, murmuring and comforting the baby as he moves back over to its room. He gently sets it down in the cradle and places his hand to it’s forehead. “Shh, it’s okay…” He frowns at the intensity of the baby’s warmth, and he frowns, moving back over into the kitchen, pausing before dialing the mother. Is this a reason to call her home? What else was he to do? Castiel picks up the phone and before he knows what he’s doing, Dean’s number is punched into the phone, and he holds it to his ear, waiting expectantly.

“Yeah? Hello?” Dean’s voice on the other end sends a rush of panic through Castiel.

“Uh, Dean.”

“Cas? Man, what’re you doing? Is the date going bad?”

“Uh, about that, I was…I misunderstood what she meant, uh- do you know how to treat a fever?”

“What?”

“A baby, if it uh, has a fever, what should I do to-”

“Whoa whoa, why’s there a baby? Cas, what’s going on?”

“I’m baby-watching.”

“You’re- wait, babysitting?”

“Well- yes, I believe that’s what she called it. I don’t have time for this, Dean, how do I treat its fever? Is there medicine, or-”

“Castiel.”

Dean’s eyebrows pull together at the voice, and a sick feeling settles in his stomach. “Cas? Whose that?” Multiple loud, crashing sounds can be heard over the other end, along with grunts of pain, and panic rises in Dean’s chest. He turns the car around, slamming his foot on the breaks as he attempts to get back to the house as fast as he can.

Castiel falls to his knees, the other angel grabbing his hair, kneeling down next to him. “I’m here to help you, Castiel. I can sense your pain. I can smell it from miles away. You’re hurting, Castiel. Let me help you.” Castiel’s gaze flickers up, and he meets his gaze.

“I…” He knows the words that should come out of his lips, but he can’t make them. “I…you’re right,” his voice breaks, and he looks away. The angel’s expression turns kinder, and he places his hand over Castiel’s heart.

“Castiel, I only want to help you.” Castiel’s eyes close, and his breath gets stuck in his chest.

“Do it.”

 

**I didn’t know today would be our last  
Or that I’d have to say goodbye to you so fast  
I’m so numb, I can’t feel anymore  
Prayin’ you’d just walk back through that door**

**And tell me that I was only dreamin’  
You’re not really gone as long as I believe**

As he closes his eyes, the door bursts open, and Dean barrages in, shouting as he moves quickly to shove the angel away from Castiel. He falls backward and begins to struggle with Dean, and Castiel’s body falls to the side, landing weakly on the ground. The skirmish is over in only a few minutes, and Dean staggers back over to Castiel.

“What wrong with you?” He barks, throwing the blade aside. “You almost got yourself killed, Cas! You have to be more careful! Why don’t you have a blade with you anyways, Cas? You’re defenseless! Without your grace, you’re weak, Cas! You can’t do anything if someone attacks you! Cas, answer me! Answer me you son of a bitch!”

Castiel’s gaze darts up to Dean, and he struggles to focus on him. Tears prick at the corner of his eyes, and he moves his hand from his chest, looking down at the blood that covers it. “I-I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Apologies don’t fix anything, Cas!” He says, his back still to Castiel as he drags a hand through his hair. “You can’t just screw up everything and think an apology will fix it!” Castiel swallows roughly, and sputters, blood dribbling out of his mouth.

“Dean, I’m sorry I was never enough, Dean…I only wanted- I wanted to help.”

His voice grows ragged and he attempts to force out one last apology, but his world grows dimmer and dimmer, barely recognizing as Dean finally turns around to look at him, not able to see the horror cross Deans face as he falls to the ground next to Castiel.

His eyes are already unseeing when Dean grabs him, lifting his body up to him and shaking him roughly, his voice already growing hoarse from shouting.

Dean clutches Castiel tightly, his gaze darting all over on him. “Cas? Cas? Come on, man, don’t do this. Don’t go dying on me…” He lowers his forehead to Castiel’s, closing his eyes tightly. “Man, please, Cas…” When he feels the lack of the low thrum of Castiel’s heart, his eyes open slowly, and he drops him, standing up and wiping his friend’s blood on his jeans. He turns to the door, clenching his jaw and taking only a few steps forward before he pauses, his hand clenching into a fist at his side. “Son of a bitch,” he murmurs, turning around and lifting Castiel up with some difficulty, and carrying his body to the Impala. He gently sets Castiel upright in the passenger seat, smiling slightly. “Come on buddy, we’re gonna get you home and get you fixed up-we all know you’ll be back in a bit anyway, might as well keep you with me.” He laughs, “hey man look at this, you’re finally able to sit up here and you’re not even awake to see it.” Dean laughs, and shuts the door, “I’ll get that for you this time, buddy,” he murmurs, dragging his feet over to the other side. He reaches for the handle, and his hand falters as he sees Castiel sitting upright in the car, his head hanging down at an uncomfortable angle. He opens the door and climbs in. “Come on, man, you’re gonna hurt your neck if you do that.” He reaches over, leaning Castiel’s head against the headrest. “There.” He smiles, but the second his hands move from his head, it falls limply back down, and Dean’s hand twitches, curling back into a fist. “Alright, buddy,” he mutters. “Your uh, your choice.” He turns the keys in the ignition and glances over at him. “What uh, do you want…uh, music, or no?” He pauses and nods. “Right, right, I’ll ask you when you’re awake.” The car peels out of the driveway, and he sighs. “Man, don’t take too long, okay? I don’t like being alone.” He pauses and swallows roughly. “You’re coming back Cas…” His head turns and he peers up at the darkening sky through his window. “Right?”

**There will be another angel  
Around the throne tonight  
Your love lives on inside of me  
And I will hold on tight  
It’s not my place to question  
Only God knows why  
I’m just jealous of the angels  
Around the throne tonight**

When Castiel’s eyes open, he sees his brothers and sisters surrounding him, and his heart lifts.

“Castiel.” He turns his gaze towards the voice, a smile lifting on his face.

“Brothers- sisters, I can’t say how…grateful I am. I never thought I’d be let back in heaven, I-”

“You’re dead, Castiel.” Another Angel cuts in, turning away from him when he looks over. “You died a human, and now you’re in heaven.”

“But, you can’t stay here.” Castiel’s eyebrows pull together, and he tilts his head.

“What are you saying?”

“We don’t want you here, Castiel. God’s not here. No one’s running things up here, so- we can do what we want. And we don’t want you here.” Castiel’s gaze moves around them, his head tilting.

“You’re sending me back to Earth?” He asks.

“No, Castiel. You’re not going to Earth. You’re not staying in Heaven, either. The only place that would actually take you is Hell. And, with everything you’ve done…it’s where you belong, Castiel.”

When Dean barrages back into the Bunker, stumbling and struggling with Castiel’s body, Sam glances over in shock.

“Dean, what are you- Cas? What happened? Dean?” He stands up and moves over quickly, helping Dean lift him over to the table.

“Cas got hurt- but it’s fine, he’ll be back soon.” Dean wipes the blood on his jeans, and Sam squints, feeling for a pulse.

“Dean, he doesn’t-”

“I know, Sammy! But we’ve come back from worse! He’s come back from worse! We just have to wait.”

“Dean, we can’t just keep his body-”

“I’ll put it in one of the other rooms.” He pauses slightly and sighs. “I’m gonna clean some of the blood off for him, I don’t want it to get all cakey and…” Dean shudders and pulls a face. “It’ll be easier for him when he gets back that way.” Sam frowns at his brother but doesn’t say anything. He backs up, holding his hands up.

“Okay, Dean. Just- if he’s not back in a few days, we need to salt and burn him, okay?”

“We won’t need to, Sam. He’ll be back.”

Dean turns away as Castiel’s body goes up in flames, and he slams his fist into the wall of the bunker, the skin on his knuckles splitting. “Son of a bitch!” He shouts, banging against the side of the bunker.

“Dean, I’m sorry. We had to. It’s almost been a week- the body was starting to reek, Castiel isn’t coming back.” Sam reaches out to put a hand on Dean’s shoulder, and he shrugs it off, moving quickly back inside the bunker.

He walks into his room and slams the door shut, locking it behind him and quickly moving over to the closet. He opens it up and pulls out the trench coat he’d cleaned and had waiting for Castiel. He chokes back a sob as he pulls out his lighter, readying himself to burn it.

“No. I can’t.” Dean shakes his head and laughs. “Dude loves these…he’ll need it when he gets back if he didn’t have this…well, he just wouldn’t be Cas.” Dean goes to hang it back up, but stares, his fist clenching around it as he shakes slightly. Dean shrugs the coat on, his gaze falling to the ground as he justifies not wanting to part with the coat, and he lays down on the bed, closing his eyes and pulling his arms out of the sleeve, rolling over and pulling the coat over himself. He closes his eyes and breathes in deeply, and for a moment he swears it still smells like him, and he questions if he cleaned it well enough. His breathing slows, and his eyebrows pull together.

_Hurry up, Cas. We miss you._

**You always made my troubles feel so small  
And you were always there to catch me when I’d fall  
In a world where heroes come and go  
Well God just took the only one I know  
So I’ll hold you as close as I can  
Longing for the day, when I see your face again  
But until then**

***months later***

 

Dean wakes with a start, and he stands up quickly, clutching the coat to his body as he peers around the dark room, and he squints slightly. He turns on the lamp next to his bed, and his eyes open wide when he sees Castiel standing in front of his door, his arms hanging at his sides limply, his head tilted and gaze cast to the ground.

“Cas? Oh, please tell me I’m not dreaming again,” Dean murmurs, standing up and walking towards Castiel cautiously. “Cas? Buddy?” Castiel’s gaze raises to Dean slowly, and it’s nothing like Dean’s ever seen before. His gaze is completely glazed over, almost cloudy, and his gaze moves slowly back to the ground.

“Dean.” He says, his voice dry and broken, void of all emotion.

“Cas! You’re actually back!” He discards the trenchcoat to his bed, opting to move forward and pull Castiel into a tight hug. But, his arms close around nothing, and the lights in the bunker flicker violently, and he turns. “Cas?” Castiel sits in the corner of Dean’s room, his knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapping around his legs.

“I never get to stay here long, Dean,” he murmurs, eyeing his old friend cautiously as Dean moves forward. “They never let me,” he murmurs. “They always wait until we’re about to hug- they pull me back and break me all over again after you’ve fixed me. After they made me think you fixed me.” He watches Dean move over to him. “They always pull me back, Dean.”

“What do you mean, Cas?”

“Them. They hate me, Dean. They all hate me.” His gaze shudders closed, and he shakes slightly. “I don’t want to go back, Dean, but I always do. You always convince me this is real, but it never is.”

“Cas? Look, man, I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is the first time I’ve seen you,” Dean chokes on a sob, and looks away, “in real life, I mean.” Castiel’s gaze slowly raises to his friend.

“You’ve said that before, Dean.”

“I haven’t seen you in months, Cas. Cut the bullshit and come here.” Dean reaches for Castiel again, and the lights in the bunker flicker, the ground shaking slightly as Castiel apparats over to the side of Dean’s bed, tilting his head down.

“This is my coat,” he murmurs.

“Y- yeah, I uh, I thought you’d like it so-so I kept it, for when you get back.” Castiel’s eyes narrow as he feels the fabric, his gaze falling back over to Dean.

“This is new,” he replies, dropping the coat back onto the bed.

“Yeah- all of this is, Cas. You’re really here, and-”

“No Dean, I’m not. They want me to think I am.” He sighs. “1,111.”

“What?”

“1,111. 1,111 times I’ve been through this.” He murmurs. “In…how long has it been? Years?” He shakes his head. “They still find different ways to get me, every time.”

“Cas…were you in Hell?” Castiel looks up at him, his eyes flashing dully.

“I still am. I’m not letting them get the satisfaction again.”

“Whoa, Cas. You’re not in Hell still. Somehow- you’re here. You’re…” Dean’s eyes widen slightly as the lights begin flickering again, and he smiles, throwing his head back slightly. “Please, Cas- if you say they let you get close every time, just try. Try, and you’ll see.” He steps forward to Cas, holding his hand out to him. “Trust me, Cas.” Castiel stares at his hand, and cautiously reaches out, his hand barely brushing over Dean’s. When nothing happens, Castiel slides his hand and interlocks their fingers, his eyes skipping to Dean’s.

“Dean?” Dean pulls him forward, his arms wrapping around him and his arm falling to his side, still holding onto Castiel’s hand.

“It’s me, Cas. You’re back. You’re here, we’re here.” Cas rests his head on Dean’s shoulder, his body shaking slightly as it’s racked with sobs.

“D- dean, Dean, I’m sorry, Dean, I’m…” Dean shakes his head, pulling Castiel tighter against him, burying his face in his neck and breathing deeply.

“Don’t apologize, Cas,” he mutters, “don’t you do that, not again. You’re forgiven- everything, anything, it doesn’t matter, Cas. You’re here, you’re back, somehow, some way…” Something pulls at the back of Dean’s head, but he continues to bat the thought away, opting to squeeze Castiel instead, closing his eyes and breathing deeply, finding the scent that had lingered on the coat for a while in abundance now. “Cas, I missed you, buddy.” He mumbles, pulling back slightly but keeping his hand on Castiel’s shoulder, their hands still tightly locked together.

“I missed you greatly, Dean.” He murmurs. Dean smiles, and rests his forehead against Castiel’s, closing his eyes.

“Welcome back, Ca-”

Dean’s door bursts open, and Sam points the shotgun wildly, “Dean! Get away from him!”

“It’s Cas, Sam! He’s back, I told you, I told you he would come back!” Dean shouts, pulling away from Castiel and dropping his hand for the first time.

“Dean…” Sam squints, “how is he…” Castiel’s form flickers, and the lights flicker with him. “Dean- what, what did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything! He’s just back, why can’t you be happy about it?” Dean shouts, a large smile forming on his face. “We got him back, Sam!!”

“Dean…he’s a ghost.”

“So what?” The answer passes Dean’s lips before he can stop it. “So? We can keep an eye on him, Sammy. He can stay.”

“No Dean. We can’t.”

“Why not?” Dean whispers. “Why can’t I have him, Sam? We- why can’t, we have him back?”

“Dean, how is he even here? I made you burn his body.” Dean scratches the back of his neck, glancing over at the trenchcoat on his bed.

“Oh- Dean, you didn’t.”

“Look, I wanted it here for when he got back, okay? Is there anything really so wrong with that?” Dean stares at the ground, hanging his head in shame. “I need him, Sammy. He was gone. I couldn’t- I couldn’t just let go.” Castiel looks back and forth between the two brothers, a frown pulling at his face.

“Dean…” Dean turns to him, responding instantly. “I can’t stay here- Sam’s right.”

“Come on man, don’t choose now to side with him. He doesn’t understand. I’ll make sure you’re okay- you won’t go bad, I’ll keep an eye on you. I need you, Cas- we need you.”

“Dean,” Castiel reaches out, placing his hand on the side of Dean’s face. “We don’t know why I’m here, or how- only that I’m dead. Which means I shouldn’t be here. It’s not safe.” Dean leans his face into Castiel’s touch, which is gone all too soon as he picks up his coat, holding it out to Dean. “Please, Dean. Let me go.”

Dean looks down at the hanging coat, his eyes stinging. “Cas, you can’t ask me to…”

“Please, Dean.” Dean aches as he grabs the coat, fishing a lighter out of his drawer. “Cas…Sammy, please?” Sam shakes his head, staring down at the ground.

“I’m sorry Dean,” he replies. “It’s our job. He’s our friend- he shouldn’t still be here.”

Dean flicks the lighter and stares over at Castiel, his jaw clenching as he readies himself. Something, some deeply suppressed feeling tugs at him, telling him just a few more seconds, that there’s still something that must be done. When Sam sees him faltering, he takes the lighter from him and moves the flame to meet the fabric of the coat, and as it starts to go up in flames, a bright light emits from Castiel’s chest, his head tipping back and his eyes and mouth opening wide in a soundless, painless scream as the light exits his body, and Dean jerks forward, reaching for Castiel’s hand.

“Wait, Cas, I-” The light fills the room completely, and Dean stumbles backward, shielding his eyes.

When their eyes open, Castiel is gone, and Sam rapidly tries to put out the small fire on the ground from the coat. Dean stares forward, and wordlessly collapses onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling.

“Sammy,” he whispers, “he’s gone,” Sam glances over, a pit of guilt forming in his stomach at the bewildered expression on his brother’s face. He sits down next to him and puts an arm around him.

“I’m sorry, Dean.”

“Sammy, Cas is gone. Again. I…I didn’t get to say goodbye, again.” Sam looks away.

“I thought it would be easier that way.”

“I loved him, Sammy.”

“I loved him too Dean, we all did,” Sam replies. “He was a good friend.”

“No, Sam. I…I loved Cas.” Dean swallows roughly, turning from Sam in shame when he looks over. “I…I think I loved him Sammy, like, really loved him.” Dean forces his gaze to his hands. “When I…when I was going to light it on fire, I felt…I felt wrong, but not just because I was making him leave, I felt…I felt different. When he was back I was so happy, and…I just wanted to be near him, and hold him, and…” Dean forces his eyes shut as a sick feeling settles in his stomach, and he crosses his arms over himself, protectively hugging where Castiel had only been moments before. “I’d wanted to…” Sam’s eyebrows pull together and he grins, opting to try and lighten the mood.

“You two did look pretty cozy when I got in here,” he elbows Dean and tenses, waiting for Dean’s retaliation. But it never comes. Dean stares at the ground, at his hands, he looks at the pile of ash that was the only thing tying Castiel to them still, and he turns his gaze to Sam.

Sam’s completely taken aback at the tears streaming freely down his face, his expression so deeply disturbed and upset that it’s almost child-like, a part of Dean that Sam had never seen before.

“When he was gone, I felt…I felt like my heart,” he looks down at his own chest, feels it as if he can’t believe it’s still there, and looks back up at Sam. “It was burning, Sammy, it hurt, it hurt badly. It still does. It hurts.” Sam takes on a somber expression, realizing the actual weight of what Dean was just coming to realize himself.

“I’m sorry, Dean…maybe, one day? He may come back, we never know- as you said, we’ve both come back from worse?” Dean swallows and closes his eyes, looking away.

“This is my fault,” he replies. “I made him leave the bunker- son of a bitch. If I’d have gotten there faster, Cas would still be here.” He drags a hand down his face, “and I have nothing to remember him by.”

“Dean…I’m really sorry.”

“Sorry won’t cut it, Sammy.” Dean sighs. “It-it’s not something to apologize for, I…”

“Did you really not know you loved him?” Sam asks.

“I- what, no! I, I like girls, Sam. How would I know- Cas, he’s, Cas isn’t even really a guy, he’s just- was, he was- no, he is…an angel? He was an angel and- and he wasn’t…human. Jimmy- Jimmy was a guy. Cas wasn’t.” Sam raises his eyebrows at his brother's sudden change in demeanor and holds his hands up.

“There’s nothing wrong with you liking guys or girls, Dean. I’m just saying, I don’t know how you couldn’t tell. It was obvious to me.”

“It’s not like- uh, Jimmy is- was? An attractive guy- I can get that, I understand, but- that doesn’t mean, that I did- that I do-” Dean stares at the ground, his hands clenching and unclenching rapidly. “Sammy?” He whispers, turning his head to look at his brother.

“Yeah, Dean?” Dean swallows roughly.

“Dad would always…encourage me to go for girls,” he murmurs, staring at his hands. “I just…when I was 16, well, you know how I would bounce around from girl to girl?” Sam nods, leaving space for Dean to continue. “I uh,” Dean looks away. “Dad heard me, well…I was talking to this girl and she wanted to go on a date- or something like that, I don’t remember it too well.” Dean looks away. “You remember when I came home? And I was all bruised up and shit?” Sam nods again.

“You got in a fight at school. We moved after that.” Dean shakes his head.

“I uh, I told the girl I didn’t want to date her because I wasn’t sure if I liked girls…dad was out in the car,” Dean laughs bitterly, “damn his hearing- and he uh, came out and started wailing on me.” Sam’s eyes flash.

“What?

“It got messy really fast- the teachers and principals came out because the girl was screaming and crying, and dad sorta…just pulled me up, and threw me in the car. Then we bailed- we had to, the school kept calling and they were gonna send the police down.” Dean stares at the ground. “That’s around the time he started taking me out to bars to teach me how to pick up women.” Sam frowns, unshed tears blurring his vision.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Dean?”

“You didn’t need to know that, Sammy,” Dean forces a laugh and looks away. “You were just a kid, you didn’t need to know how dad really was.”

“You were just a kid too, Dean!”

“No, Sammy,” Dean smiles bitterly, uncaring about the tears streaming freely down his face, “I was never a kid- not after mom.” Sam stares at Dean, anger now rising in his chest.

“Did he ever do it again?”

“What?”

“Did he beat you?” Sam asks, unable to keep the hatred out of his voice.

“…Sam,” Dean starts.

“No, Dean. Did he ever hit you again after that?” Dean looks away, dragging his tongue across his bottom lip.

“Listen, Sam,”

“Goddamnit!” Sam stands up quickly. “When you were 17? You came home on a ‘bad hunt’?” Dean opens his mouth, then shuts it. “Son of a bitch,” Sam mutters, “19? Shit, of course, I should’ve known you couldn’t get that hurt from someone mugging you.” Sam shoves his hand through his hair, staring down at Dean. “How long? How many times?” Dean looks away.

“Since I was 16- whenever I…stepped out of line or…” Dean’s voice trails off and he looks away. “It doesn’t matter,”

“No, Dean, it does! He ruined you, Dean! You were a kid,”

“Sammy!” Dean’s voice breaks and he takes a deep breath to compose himself. “Sammy, please. Not now. I can’t do this now, not without Cas- not with him gone.” Sam stares at the ground and nods.

“I’m sorry, Dean.” He sits back down next to his brother, cautiously putting his arm around him. At first Dean goes slightly tense, but then he leans into his brother.

“Sammy, I miss him already. It hurts.” He whispers. “I’m afraid…I can’t be…I can’t like…dad always said-”

“It doesn’t matter what John said, Dean. Don’t let him stay in your head like that.” Dean closes his eyes. “You need to be you, Dean, be who you want to be and who you want to be with.” As Sam stares down at his brother, he realizes why he always followed their dad’s orders. If he stepped out of line it would get worse for him- he was young and afraid, and John was supposed to be a parent to him, and guide him through life, and he never got that. Sam hugs Dean tightly and closes his eyes. “I’m so sorry Dean.” Dean takes a deep, shuddering breath and squeezes his eyes shut tighter.

“I lost him, Sammy- he’s gone, Cas- Cas is gone, I never got to tell him- I never got to…” Dean struggles not to completely break, his whole body going rigid to keep from shaking with his forcibly silent sobs.

“It’s okay, Dean, it’s just me. You don’t have to put up a front.” Sam whispers.

“I never got to realize I loved him until he was gone.” Dean murmurs. “I’ll never get to know what it’s like to tell him- or to be loved back by him, I’ll never know what it’s like to just…be more with him, be me with him.” Dean forces his eyes open, and sits up, pulling away from his brother. “What if he was the one, Sammy? What if Cas was…what if he was it?”

“What do you mean, Dean?”

“I lost my angel, Sammy. I lost him.”


End file.
